No offences intended for anyone.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stayon the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferredto the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice willtell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number youpress, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound keyuntil a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and yourmother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after thebeep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for thebeep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators aretoo busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry.You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess itup.
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